Past, Present & Future
by Devereauxpoi
Summary: John Reese's past resurfaces to push his girlfriend Joss Carter into reconciling with her ex Paul. Joss struggles to choose between a stable life with Paul and the man who truly holds her heart but must first learn to love himself. Takes place after The Crossing. Always Careese. Thanks Bug for the Beta.
1. Chapter 1

**Prologue**

A sudden burst of warm summer wind blew Kate Hughes's dark auburn hair wildly into the air. The mass of curls swirled around, temporarily masking her face, before settling once again on her slim shoulders. Rays from the late afternoon sun accentuated the harsh effects that the stark reality of death had inflicted on the young mother.

Her kind but weary face was punctuated with dark hollow eyes, worry lines creeping from the corners, and deep furrows between her brows. Her appearance gave the illusion that she was years beyond her age but it was the only hint of her sadness and loss. Never did the unforeseeable tragedy succeed in destroying her infectious vibrance and youthful energy.

Kate had early on accepted that the military was not just a career for her husband Michael but a way of life for all of them. She had grown accustomed to the frequent moves and his four long tours in Vietnam, making the most of the times he returned home.

She relished her role as mother to John and his baby sister Caroline. They were the center of her world and she smothered them with love and attention to compensate for the absence of their father.

Michael's return home at the end of the war brought new adventures, excited plans for the future and most of all a genuine stability and normalcy to their home. John was elated to have his father back and savored their growing bond. It was to be short lived as just two months after his return life dealt them an unexpected blow. After years of active combat and fighting on the front lines, it was a freak accident at a refinery that would ultimately take his life.

His death had shattered Kate and all her plans she had for the future but she refused to let it show, especially in front of the kids, and was determined to keep his memory alive for them.

Rocking slowly on the porch swing, John curled his scrawny legs beneath him and listened intently along with his sister as their mother recalled in detail another story about their father.

Laughter filled the air as she educated her young children on the man they barely knew and struggled to remember. The cherished husband and hero dad. John clung desperately to the broken bits and pieces he could recall, the fleeting visions, scents and sensations, trying in vain to piece them all together.

Trying to remember something. Anything.

This is how they spent the long lazy days of summer at their new home in Puyallup, Washington. As each day passed, John could feel his father slipping further away from his grasp. He had already lost his voice and now it was the details of his face that were slowly beginning to blur.

Kate would talk for hours, grinning and animated as she explained how full of life and love their home had been for the four of them. John sat quietly and absorbed it all, committing each tale to memory.

Bright and perceptive beyond his eight years, he never failed to miss the underlying wistfulness in her voice.

She never spoke of the loss, the end of a dream or the emptiness in her life, except for that one summer afternoon in late August.

"The four of us were the perfect little family and I would give anything to have it all back. It wasn't always easy, the best things in life never are, but our house always overflowed with love and laughter. Families are the most important things in life and should be respected, nurtured and protected.

I miss him so much. Once you find that kind of love, hold it tight and fight for it. Never let it slip away. When you find that one person who connects you to the world, you become someone different. Someone better. When that person is taken from you, what do you become then?"

* * *

 **Chapter 1**

Joss rummaged through her bedroom closet for her gray suit jacket, the dim light from her bedside table lamp affording her little assistance. Spotting it on the shadowy far end of the rack, she pulled it out and slipped it on along with her pumps. Bleary-eyed, she checked her reflection in the floor-length mirror and smoothed her skirt. Thanks to a bright orchid colored shirt and some strategically applied make-up she gave the false appearance of being fresh faced and well rested.

With only a few hours of sleep it was going to be a long day. A hot shower and two cups of strong coffee had done little to rouse her.

She frowned at the thought of sitting in court all day as the lawyers for Egor Radetsky began their cross-examination. Egor and his pals were only small-time racketeers but a deal gone bad had left three men dead and on her desk. After an extensive investigation, Joss and Fusco finally gathered enough evidence for an indictment.

Trial proceedings were the only part of her job that she genuinely hated. Lengthy and tedious, they were one of the reasons why her law degree now sat with her divorce papers and purple heart inside a storage box.

Satisfied with her appearance, Joss crossed the room to turn off the light. She moved quietly, not wanting to disturb the large slumbering lump in her bed that was the source of her exhaustion.

She smiled to herself, remembering the details of exactly how John had kept her up to the wee hours of the morning. He had slipped into her bed just before midnight, waking her with a warm trail of kisses from her toes to her mouth, taking care to apply adequate attention to every inch of her body he navigated.

Even now, her senses remained heightened, her entire body still aroused with a blissful ache from his touch. She lost count of how many times John had sent her hurling over the edge just to pull her back up again. Over and over he repeated the slow torture of his rapturous game.

As their relationship entered this new phase, Joss learned that John Reese's skills exceeded far more than just weaponry and hand to hand combat. She hadn't been surprised, expecting no less from her aim-to-please vigilante.

Like everything else he pursued, his focus was unwavering and he aimed for nothing less than perfection. His endgame always brought a torrent of mind blowing pleasure; each one seemingly outdoing the last.

However, all the excitement and pleasure that John brought into her bed paled in comparison to the pure happiness, love and contentment that he brought into her life.

She had been apprehensive initially at the revelation of his feelings, fearful of the risks involved both personally and professionally if they crossed that line. That very thin, tightrope of a line, which they had danced along precariously for years.

After much discussion, weighing the pros and the cons, and envisioning her future on both sides, she knew that she had a lot more to lose if she let him walk away.

They had agreed to take things slow, each new step made cautiously, careful to protect the treasure they shared. A day hadn't passed that she wasn't grateful and satisfied with the path she had chosen.

Reaching for the lamp, Joss squealed as John's strong arm suddenly wrapped around her waist and pulled her backwards into his arms.

"Where do you think you're going?"

His breath was hot and moist on her ear, sending a shiver of goosebumps across her back, his deodorant and faint trace of cologne instantly threatening to hold her captive in that bed all day.

"John, stop, you're gonna wrinkle my suit. I have to go all the way downtown and I'm already late."

"They'll just have to wait for you."

She closed her eyes and sighed contently as he pressed his lips behind her ear and toyed with the hem of her skirt.

"I need to meet with the DA before court."

John groaned disapprovingly, rolling her over into his embrace and a deep kiss. She moaned as he claimed her lips and his erection pressed against her stomach, a cruel and agonizing temptation.

She forced herself to pull away and shook her head, wagging a finger at him teasingly.

"Nope, not this time John. Not gonna let you get to me."

He looked down at her with smoldering eyes and gave her a guilty shrug.

"Come by the loft when you're done. I'll make you dinner."

"Shrimp fettucine?"

"Shrimp fettucine, my dear."

He released her from his grip and she swung her legs off the bed, bending over to kiss his forehead.

"You're beautiful" he smiled up at her.

"Stay outta trouble, John."

* * *

John finished putting away the groceries for dinner in his refrigerator along with a bottle of Dom Pérignon. He picked up a small cream colored bag sitting on his counter and crossed the room, pulling out the contents. On his bed he lay a lavender lace and lycra bodysuit from La Perla.

Catching his eye in the boutique window as he headed to the supermarket, he saw that it was the perfect mix of contrasts, just like Joss. The sheer cups, plunging neckline and thong were sultry and erotic while the intricately detailed embroidery and soft color were feminine and delicate. It matched perfectly with his lavender shirt Joss loved to wear and he smiled, picturing it hugging her gorgeous curves.

Checking his watch he saw it was just about four o'clock. Court would be adjourning soon for the day and he wanted to meet Joss outside the courthouse which was a short walk from his loft.

Fifteen minutes later, he was climbing the massive granite stairs at Foley Square. He called Finch to check in with him and hearing that all was quiet, he relaxed back against one of the enormous Corinthian columns, watching the stream of people begin to exit the building for the week-end.

After a few minutes passed he spotted Egor Radetsky, flanked by his lawyers, exiting through one of the large bronze doors. Not far behind were Joss, Lionel, and the Assistant DA. John began to make his way through the crowd towards them when a scuffle erupted behind the group. Before John could get a good view of what was going on, three distinctive cracks were heard followed by two pops sending the throng of people running and dropping for cover.

John pulled his gun from his waistband and pushed his way through the panicked crowd to where Joss was. Egor Radetsky lay dead in a pool of blood along with his apparent attacker, shot dead by a security guard. Lionel was on his phone, calling for backup while John looked around for Joss. He spotted her by the nearest column, gripping it with both hands for balance and attempting to stand.

He immediately knew that something was terribly wrong when he watched her legs tremble and buckle beneath her, sending her crumpling to the ground. He rolled her over carefully and saw the sticky dark blood seeping through her shirt just above her waistband.

"Lionel, Joss was shot. We need a medic now."

"Finch, please do whatever you can."

* * *

Joss surrendered to the overwhelming weariness and let her eyes slide closed. The jostling of the ambulance was amplifying the searing pain that radiated through her body. It hurt to move, to talk, to simply breathe, and she struggled to answer the EMT's questions. She wanted nothing more than to fall asleep, to escape from the reality that just minutes earlier, a bullet had ripped through her abdomen.

Her momentary respite was quickly disturbed by a familiar voice.

"Joss. Joss, sweetheart, you need to open your eyes. Look at me. Please look at me."

Her eyes fluttered open and she turned to the voice, using all her energy to focus on the figure sitting next to her.

John.

"You have to stay awake, Joss. Your blood pressure's low. We're almost at the hospital."

"It hurts…"

"I know it hurts baby but it'll only be a few more minutes, okay?"

John gently caressed her cheek with his thumb and brushed her hair back off her face as the EMT continued to apply pressure to her wound and urged him to keep her talking.

"When I was in the CIA, I travelled all over the world, Joss. Cities, places that normal people dream their whole lives of visiting. Wasn't exactly a tourist. Didn't step inside Hagia Sophia or travel up to Cristo Redentor. So many of them I'd like to go back to one day. What's your dream vacation? Somewhere you've always wanted to go?"

Joss looked up at the ceiling for a moment and, with a faint smile, turned back to John. His stomach lurched at the sight of her pale clammy face.

"Italy."

Her voice was low and feeble. She shut her eyes for a few seconds as she swallowed hard and exhaled through clenched teeth.

John reached for her hand and pulled it to his lips, smiling softly against the back of her palm.

"Anywhere in particular? Ruins of Rome? Canals of Venice? Hills of Tuscany?"

"All of it" she managed to whisper as she grimaced in pain, gripping John's hand.

John leaned forward and rested his forehead on hers. Her skin was sweaty but cold to the touch.

"I'll make you a deal. You stay awake and do exactly what the doctors say then I'll take you to Italy as soon as you're feeling better. We're gonna sit along the Grand Canal and drink a bottle of wine while we watch the gondolas glide by, okay?"

Joss nodded her head against his as the ambulance backed into the hospital bay.

The driver swung the back doors open and helped the EMT guide Joss's gurney out and into the emergency unit at Bellevue Hospital.

John followed on their heels as Joss was swarmed by nurses and the receiving doctor.

"Sir, what is your relationship to Detective Carter?"

John hesitated. The nurse's question was so simple but he had never needed to verbalize who she was to him. She was Carter. She was Joss.

"She's my girlfriend" he forced himself to answer.

Girlfriend.

No, she wasn't his girlfriend. The word didn't adequately describe what she meant to him, how she was his world, all that he had, and that he desperately needed her to be okay.

"We're taking her straight up to the OR on the third floor. There's a waiting room up there and we'll keep you updated on her progress."

John pushed past the nurse and pressed a kiss to Joss's temple before they whisked her away.

"I love you" he whispered into her ear.

* * *

The wait was unbearable. It had only been just over an hour but it felt like days to John since Joss was wheeled through the swinging white doors and into the care of complete strangers.

It was his job to protect her, to keep her safe and out of harm's way. Sitting and waiting, relying on the expertise and skills of complete strangers, was something he'd never be comfortable with. The lack of control was eating at him as he paced around helplessly.

He rehashed the events at the courthouse over and over finally admitting to himself there was nothing he could have done differently. Shaw and Finch confirmed it hadn't been a premeditated attack on Radetsky and Joss was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time.

John contacted Paul and Taylor who were in Washington DC on an overnight school trip. They were headed home but wouldn't be back for at least a few more hours. Joss's mother, who was ailing, waited on news from them at home.

"Are you here for Detective Carter?"

An older man in his sixties, dressed in green scrubs, approached John.

"Yes, how is she?"

John shot around quickly, the words stammering from his mouth.

"I'm Dr. Chen. The surgery went very well. Luckily there was an exit wound and the bullet didn't hit any major organs. There was a slight nick to her spleen that was easily repaired. She's stable and is going to be fine. She's been taken to recovery and you should be able to see her shortly."

"Thank you."

John ran his hand through his hair and felt himself breathe again for the first time in hours.

* * *

Once Joss was awake, a nurse allowed him in to see her. He pulled back the curtain by her bed and the smile on her face brought tears to his eyes and his chest tightened. He was overtaken by the emotions of just how much she meant to him, how precious her life was to his. He leaned down next to her and kissed her cheek.

"Hey you. How do you feel?"

"Like I have a hole in my side."

John pressed the back of her hand to his cheek.

"You scared me, Joss. Promise me no more ambulance rides, okay? I love you sweetheart."

"I love you too John. I'll be expecting that shrimp fettucine once I get out of here."

He smiled and shook his head at her.

"You should close your eyes. Get some rest."

"You'll be here?"

"I'm not going anywhere. You're stuck with me, remember?"

Once Joss was moved from the recovery wing and up to a proper room, she convinced John to finally go home and get some rest as visiting hours were over anyway. He kissed her goodnight and reluctantly headed home to his loft where he spent a restless night tossing and turning, trying to erase the images of Joss covered in blood from his head.

He headed back to see her in the morning, armed with her favorite coffee and bagel. As he exited the elevator and walked down the long hallway he spotted Taylor and Paul heading into her room.

Taylor carried a large arrangement of mixed flowers while Paul's hands were full with bags from the bagel store down the block. It hit John suddenly that he wasn't the only one who knew Joss's favorite foods, her dreams, fears and secrets. There was someone else she had shared herself with too.

He didn't know why it suddenly bothered him, why after all these months he cared. He knew Paul, had met him many times, and common sense reminded him that he'd at one time been her husband. But as John heard Joss's squeal of delight as they entered their room he felt an unfamiliar panic grasp him. Joss and Paul had become friends after her takedown of HR, a relationship that John was never threatened by, but as he stood in that hallway, rooted to that spot, he suddenly felt out of place, an intruder.

A familiar voice from lifetimes ago swept through his head.

 _"Families are the most important things in life and should be respected, nurtured, and protected."_

Without a second thought, John quickly turned on his heels and headed back to the elevator.

* * *

"Take your time, mom. Be careful."

Taylor clutched Joss's elbow, guiding her through their front door and towards the staircase.

"Oh will you stop, Taylor! I can walk up the stairs just fine. I'm not some invalid. You and your father are driving me crazy!"

Exasperated with all the attention since leaving the hospital that morning, Joss had just about reached her breaking point. She knew Taylor and Paul meant well, but if there was one thing she hated most, it was being coddled. After almost a week of doctors and nurses hovering over her, she'd had enough and just wanted to be in her own home with no one telling her what to do.

She shook Taylor's hand away and continued on. Half way up, she felt an increasing ache where the bullet had sliced into her side. She gritted her teeth and scowled in frustration but kept going. Seeing her hesitate momentarily, Taylor lunged forward to reach her.

"Mom, you don't wanna push..."

Paul quickly pulled Taylor back and shook his head. He was familiar with just how stubborn his ex-wife could be and had learned the hard way how to pick and choose his battles. This one he was letting her have.

After making sure Joss was settled, they headed out to run some errands she'd requested. None of them were urgent or even necessary but she needed them out of her hair for a while, needed some time to breathe.

She needed some time alone to clear her head and figure out what was going on with John.

Joss drew open the burgundy silk curtains in her living room, sunlight now illuminating the L-shaped space, and settled herself on the couch with a cup of coffee. She picked up her cell phone and called him again. Just like the dozens of times earlier, it went straight to voicemail. She sighed and tossed it on the couch next to her in frustration.

It had been five days now since she'd last seen him. He had kissed her and promised to come back in the morning and that was it. She had been genuinely worried at first, concerned that something might have happened to him while working a number. A quick call to Finch confirmed he was well and accounted for. Fusco and Shaw could offer no explanation other than it was 'John being John.'

Her emotions were running wild all week. One moment she swore she'd strangle him at first sight and the next she was fighting back tears, hurt that he would disappear on her like that. Confused and upset, the numerous meds she was on didn't help to calm her nerves.

Exhausted both emotionally and physically, Joss curled up on the couch and closed her eyes. Hugging the pillow tightly, she imagined John pressed snug against her, holding her safe in his arms. She fell asleep relaxed and content and woke two hours later covered in a light blanket and her side throbbing.

"Hey sleeping beauty. It should be time for your meds."

Joss slowly opened her eyes with a smile, momentarily thinking it was John's soft voice rousing her from her sleep. She blinked in brief confusion as Paul knelt down beside her and smiled sweetly, gently squeezing her shoulder. He carefully helped her sit up and handed her a glass of water with her pain medication.

She quickly took a deep breath to quell the gush of tears that was threatening to burst forth at any moment. Forcing a bright smile at Paul, she swallowed her pills and turned her head towards the kitchen.

"Something smells really good. I know that can't be coming from my oven."

Joss raised an eyebrow at him and laughed, recalling that Paul's idea of cooking used to be a grilled cheese sandwich.

"Taylor and I have been upping our culinary game. You'll be impressed. I promise."

"I think I'll be the judge of that."

She was warmed by the image of Paul and Taylor working side by side in the kitchen. After her long and harrowing ordeal with HR last year there had been a number of positive consequences. One of the most unexpected was the newly formed bond between father and son.

"Joss, Taylor and I were talking and we think it might be a good idea if I stick around for a while. Until you're back on your feet one hundred percent. Now I know you don't like accepting help with anything but think of it more for Taylor than you."

"Paul, I appreciate the offer but I'm fine."

"You're not fine Joss. You couldn't even sit up on your own just now. Let me help. A beautiful woman once told me that there's no shame in asking for help."

She sighed at her own words but knew he was right. There was no way she'd be able to keep up with Taylor in her current condition.

"Okay. But only because of Taylor."

* * *

As days turned to weeks, Joss's concern for John eventually turned into bitterness and anger. She chided herself for being so stupid, for believing in him and allowing him to dismantle the fortification she had built around her heart. She had been so careful, never allowing anyone in, not Cal or any of the other men she had brought to her bed.

Eventually she convinced herself that he had retreated back into his shell, unable to handle a normal relationship, the good was easy but when the going got tough he did what he did best.

He ran away.

She told herself he was more damaged than she'd realized and that he simply regretted all the promises he made her. He regretted his words, recounted his sentiments, and couldn't find the courage to tell her the truth. Deep down she didn't truly believe the lies she repeated but it was the only explanation that made sense. The only thing that got her through each day.

As hard as she tried, though, John never left her mind. He was always with her, his hold on her so strong, and she hated him for the control he held, for the emotional roller coaster her life had become.

On the outside she tried to pretend everything was fine and went about her business as normal, trying to keep busy. She went to her physical therapist three days a week, attended her work mandated therapy sessions and spent her free time on small projects she'd been putting off.

She also made an effort to reach out to friends she hadn't seen in a while, hoping the nonstop activity would keep her mind occupied. However, whether at a bar, restaurant or even the movies, Joss was constantly searching the shadows, looking over her shoulder for any sign of John.

She was convinced he was out there watching.

While having lunch with her college friends Erica and Alison one Saturday, Joss spotted a figure across the street in the park leaning against a tree. She didn't need to see his face to know it was him.

Grabbing her purse, she scrambled from the table and ran out the café door, pushing through the crowds to get to the street. By the time she reached the curb, the back of a Ducati was zooming away down the block.

Joss watched him until he was out of sight. The last four weeks had been painful but nothing during that time came close to the emptiness she suddenly felt standing alone as he rode away. It wasn't just her boyfriend speeding away from her. It was her best friend, her teammate, her soulmate. It was her heart. She quickly hailed a cab and headed home.

Joss thanked the gods above that no one was home when she opened her front door. She put her purse and keys down and headed upstairs to her bedroom. Stripping off her clothes, she ran a hot shower and stepped inside. As the water streamed down her face, she allowed herself to face the feelings she'd spent so much time fighting and running from. Her tears that mixed in with the water soon transformed into full-fledged sobs. She had long needed this, to let it out, drain the sorrow and heartache from her body.

She was tired of pretending everything was fine. Tired of forcing a fake smile on her face. Tired of acting cheerful and happy. She was tired of all of it.

She was shattered. She was lonely. She was sad and confused. Everything that always made sense suddenly didn't. She wanted her life back. She wanted John.

And then there was Paul. She had wanted to refuse his offer to stay and help her out while she got back on her feet but she knew it made sense to have some help with Taylor. She'd expected him to only be around for a week or so but it had been four now and she had to admit she wasn't quite ready for him to leave.

It was Paul that kept her going and prevented her from curling into a ball and avoiding life. He worked fulltime but still made sure all meals were done and her home had never been more in order. He was there to make her smile when she needed it but also had an innate sense of when to give her some space.

Joss never confided in him about John but she knew he had to be aware something was up. He often gently reminded her that if she ever needed someone to talk to that he was there. They had become good friends in recent months and his presence was comforting. She'd catch glimpses of him from time to time and be reminded of her high school sweetheart, the man she loved more than anything and thought she'd spend her life with. She still loved Paul but it was different now. So much had happened in the last ten years. As alike as they still were, they were also both so very different.

She sensed occasionally that he wanted more than just a friendship. He didn't pressure her, never pushed, but he made it very hard for her to ignore him.

* * *

 _Upright Coffee…Manhattan & Milton...3:00_

Joss's thumb hovered over the send button as she questioned one last time what on earth he could possibly want. After almost two months of him cutting off all contact, she wondered what had prompted his sudden desire to meet for a chat. As eager as she was to ask him why he did it, hear his logical explanation, a nagging feeling told her that she wouldn't get the answer she wanted.

Six weeks had already passed. Six long weeks with not so much as a call, text or visit. After all his declarations, the revelation of his feelings and promises that she'd always be stuck with him, he'd disappeared without a word.

Joss tossed the phone onto her bed, unsure of what exactly she would say to him when they came face to face. How could she find the words to describe how his absence had crushed her heart, shredded every ounce of trust she had in him. Every bit of common sense told her to not to go but curiosity got the best of her and no matter how mad and hurt she was, after all they had been through she felt she should at the very least give him the benefit of the doubt and hear what he had to say.

Her stomach suddenly clenched in nervousness.

His question had been so simple.

"Are you free? I'm in your neighborhood and thought we could maybe get some coffee? Take a walk."

The implications of the question, however, were anything but simple.

* * *

Joss paused momentarily as she grasped the door handle of the corner coffee shop, inhaling deeply to slow her racing heart. Each step of the short walk from her apartment had sent more and more adrenaline surging through her veins. The calm speech she had crafted at home was forgotten, her anger increasing as her destination grew closer.

She finally pushed it open and stepped inside, quickly scanning the space for him. The aroma of chocolate and cinnamon wafted through the air, announcing that fall had arrived at the cozy neighborhood cafe. The added swirl of crimson and copper leaves, floating from the maple tree in front and sticking haphazardly to the large window, left no doubt of the change in season.

She spotted him in a chair by the window and his gaze immediately shifted up, locking with hers, as if he had sensed her presence. His eyes were a warm blue and his lips turned up into a tender smile.

There was no suit today, just a pair of dark jeans and a casual long sleeved t-shirt with sneakers. He looked incredibly good and Joss's heart melted at the sight of him. She took a moment to look him over, get past appearances and focus on why she was really there.

The salt and pepper hair she missed combing her fingers through. The beautiful contrasts of his face she longed to caress. The strong hands that she could still feel gripping her body.

She pushed all her longings aside and swallowed the growing lump in her throat.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"How are you? You look good."

"You'd know how I am if you bothered to call me back."

He slowly nodded his head, shifting his gaze away from her eyes.

"I know. I'm sorry."

"Oh, you're sorry? Is that so? And you can't even look me in the face when you say it."

Joss squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head. Her blood was boiling and she was glad for John's sake that she wasn't carrying her service weapon. She eventually threw her hands up in the air and turned to leave.

"I don't know what I was thinking."

"Joss, wait. Don't go. Please, sit down. Please. I'll explain."

Joss plopped into the chair next to John's and crossed her arms across her chest. Part of her wanted to turn and stalk right out the way she'd come but a bigger part of her knew this might be the only chance she'd get for some answers. She took a few calming breaths and stared out the window. Happy couples meandered past and she wondered why everyone else always looked so normal, their lives so uncomplicated and devoid of drama.

"I'm not sure where to start."

"Here's an idea. Why not start with where you've been the last two months. Why you up and left me without even an explanation or a goodbye. Why you left my hospital room in AUGUST, promising to come back in the morning, and this is the first time I'm seeing you? Why don't you start there?"

She glared at him and then she saw it. The guilt, the sadness radiating from those eyes that always sparkled in her presence. At closer inspection they appeared almost lifeless and at that moment she desperately wanted them to light up with a smirk. She wanted to hear a smart ass comment, a smug one liner meant to rile her up. But that wasn't the John standing in front of her.

"Let me go get you a coffee and I promise I'll tell you everything."

As he turned to walk away, Joss grabbed him by the wrist.

"The truth, John. Promise me you'll tell me the truth? Okay?"

Her voice quivered, barely a whisper. He smiled at her warmly and nodded sincerely.

He returned shortly with her coffee prepared exactly how she liked it. Taking a long sip of the hot liquid, she settled back in her chair slightly calmer and more hopeful than when she arrived.

John cleared his throat and began.

"Today's my mother's birthday. She's sixty eight and she hasn't been doing well this past year. She has Alzheimer's and she's been deteriorating quickly. I had her moved to a state of the art facility but she's still worsening. She's been ill on and off the last couple of months. I'm not sure how much time she has left. I just... When I woke up this morning and realized what day it was I needed to see you, talk to you. I know I have no right after everything."

"Your mother's alive? You always spoke of her in the past tense so I assumed she were dead."

John never let his mind wander there. She and his sister were off limits, forbidden. He had long ago safely tucked them away in a place he never wished to visit. Somewhere safe for all of them. Finch would keep him abreast of any pertinent information and he'd arranged for her transfer from the nursing facility but that was the extent of it. It was all he allowed.

"I have a sister too. Caroline. She's four years younger than me and still lives in Washington. I've wanted to tell you so many times about them but it's easier for me to pretend they don't exist. When they buried me, I buried them too with all the memories."

Joss was shocked at the news and confused as to how this was relevant to her but let him continue.

"You asked me why I left, why I disappeared. I was standing in the hospital hallway that morning when Taylor and Paul arrived to see you and as I watched them, laughing and happy, I remembered something my mother had once told me about families. That you can't let anything or anyone get in the way of breaking them up. I realized right then and there that Paul was the one you should be with. You, Paul and Taylor are a family and I was that person getting in the way."

"So, you're telling me that the reason you left me is because you want me to be with Paul? Are you serious? No, of course you're serious."

"Joss, you belong with Paul and not me. He loves you and he's a good man. He can take care of you and give you things that I never can. Stability. Safety. A guaranteed future. I know he had some issues at one point but he's worked through them and the three of you belong together. He can give you that life you deserve. A normal happy life."

"John, you can't decide who I belong with, who I should love. I don't love Paul. Not like that. I'm thrilled that we've reached a place where we can be friends again but that's as far as it goes. I love you. You're the one I want."

"You don't deserve me and all my baggage. I convinced myself all those months that it didn't matter, that we could make it work, but I was lying. I was lying to myself and to you too."

"John, we all have baggage and trust me that both Paul and I have plenty of it. There are no guarantees of happy futures for anyone. There's no telling what card life will deal you tomorrow. I certainly never thought three months ago that I would be sitting here having this conversation with you."

"You're right but the odds are stacked more in Paul's favor than mine."

Joss could see there was no getting through to him, at least right now, so she made a strategic move to back off for the time being.

"What's her name? Your mother. What's her name?"

"Kate."

* * *

John and Joss lounged lazily in the overstuffed leather chairs, the soft afternoon sun warming their faces, as their drinks, now cold, sat untouched on the small table.

Deeply immersed in conversation, they were lost in their own world, oblivious to the activity around them.

The gurgle and hiss of the espresso machine.

The bell on the front door signaling the presence of a new patron.

The buzz of voices throughout the room.

All of it faded into the background as they were enthralled in each others words, carried to far away places and times long forgotten.

They were lost.

Joss spotted the clock on the wall and was shocked to see that almost two hours had passed. They had lost all track of time, their conversation flowing so naturally and easily from one topic to the next.

She relished the sound of John's deep bellied laughs and the genuine smiles that spread across his face. She took note of the way he unconsciously reached for his chin each time he laughed.

John smiled at Joss's animated eyes and hand gestures as they shared stories.

They didn't talk about numbers or her job.

The names Fusco, Shaw and Finch never left their lips.

He told her all about his mother and Caroline and their life in Washington, aware that the pain usually accompanying their names and memories was oddly absent.

They discussed nothing and everything.

His childhood dog.

Her miserable summer at sleep away camp.

Places they'd vacationed. Ones they still wanted to visit.

They debated the best ice-cream toppings and where to find the most authentic New York pizza.

To anyone passing by they appeared as two friends sharing a laugh.

"I should start heading home. I told Taylor I'd be back by five."

"I'll walk with you a bit. I parked on the other side of the park."

As they exited the cafe, a burst of cool October air hit them in the face, shocking them back to reality. They walked silently side by side for two blocks and into McCarren Park. The park was a snowglobe of falling leaves; reds, oranges and yellows flew through the air blanketing the grass. When they reached the street on the other side, John stopped and turned to say goodbye.

Joss wished she could stop time, not ready to let him go, wanting to hold onto him for as long as she could. She desperately hoped that the last two hours had sparked something in him, opened his eyes, and reminded him of what he had walked away from. She prayed that she had gotten through to him even just the slightest.

She stared away down the desolate block, unable to look John in the eyes as her stomach turned in knots.

"He wants us to try and reconcile. Get back together."

"What do you want, Joss?"

 _I want you, John and you know it._

"I told him I had to think about it. It's a big step."

She wanted him to tell her not to do it. To tell her it was a huge mistake. She wanted him to tell her that he still loved her, that he needed her and that the months they spent together had meant something to him.

She wanted him to tell her the truth.

"He's a good guy, Joss. He'll make you happy."

She stared at her feet as hot tears began to prick her eyes. She knew she should walk away and not give him the satisfaction of seeing her cry but the tears only succeeded in spurring on her long festering anger.

"Tell me I belong with him, John. Tell me you don't want me. That you want him to touch me like you used to. Fuck me like you did all those times."

John flinched slightly at the last of her words but maintained his indecipherable and silent mask.

"You know, at the end of the day you're nothing but a coward. You're a fucking coward, John."

She pounded his chest with her fists, with every strike hoping to lessen her pain. To transfer it to him.

He swiftly grabbed her wrists to still her as tears continued to stream down her face.

"I'm sorry, Joss."

And with that he walked away, lost in the crowd.

* * *

Joss closed the front door of her apartment behind her, turned the deadbolt and tossed her handbag and coat on a chair. She was hoping to have some time to herself, time to process her conversation with John and pull herself together, but the banging of pans from the kitchen told her Paul was already home.

"Hey baby, I'm glad you're back. I made your favorite lasagna. Extra cheese. Just how you like it."

Watching him place the tray in the oven, Joss blinked back tears.

"What's wrong? What happened?"

"Nothing. I'm just really happy you're here, Paul."

He took her hand and pulled her to his side, wrapping his arm around her shoulders.

"I'm happy too. This is where I belong, with you and Taylor. Have you thought anymore about what we talked about?"

"A lot actually and I think you're right. We should give it a shot. Give us a shot."

He lifted her chin and smiled at her tenderly, brushing his lips softly over hers.

"It's gonna be different this time, baby."

He whispered the promise on her lips.

Paul reached up and caressed her cheek with his palm. She leaned into it and closed her eyes. The warmth of his hand soothed her, eradicating the storm that had been swirling in her head. It was a gift he'd always had, one she'd long missed, to calm her and pull her into him. His warmth washed over her, making her feel cherished and loved.

He pressed a warm kiss to her lips, hesitant and patient not to push her. The heat from his mouth, the soft swipe of his lips on hers, sparked something within her, a burning almost carnal desire. She needed to feel alive again, to feel loved, feel wanted. She also needed to forget, to numb her mind and heart if just for one night. She pulled his face down with both hands and claimed his mouth. Parting her lips, the deep, drawn out kiss left no doubt in Paul's mind she approved.

"Make love to me, Paul."

She smiled at him seductively, her long lashes fanning her chestnut eyes as she tugged at his sweater. He laughed as she pulled him up the stairs and along the hallway, peppering his mouth with kisses as they moved, bumping into walls and furniture and eventually tumbling onto her bed.

Their clothes were quickly discarded, left in a pile on the floor.

He settled between her legs. Joss circled her ankles around his waist, pulling him down closer, the weight of his cock now heavy against her mound. She moaned slightly as her insides clenched in anticipation.

It had been so long and her body instantly sprang to life, begging to be touched. Every nerve ending begging for stimulation and release. She could feel the warm wetness pooling between her legs as Paul looked down at her with dark heavy eyes.

Eyes from another lifetime yet still so familiar. She was instantly transported to another time, another place.

"You're so beautiful, baby. So beautiful."

He stretched upwards, leaning his elbow next to her shoulder, and cradled her head. He slowly smoothed her hair, curling his fingers through it. His lips brushed faintly over her cheek, a warm moist breeze trailing down to her lips and up the other side.

Hovering over her face, he gazed into her eyes and she felt overwhelmingly loved.

She ran her fingers over the smooth skin she knew so well, playing with his lips as he nipped at her mouth. Paul locked his eyes with hers and began to caress her body, loving every inch of her from head to toe. Softly he ran his hand over her hair, shoulders, her waist, and hips. He cupped her rear, pulling her even closer, and she hissed as his cock pressed further against her folds.

Again and again he worshiped her skin, his hand relentless as he took possession of her every curve. She shuddered with every stroke, every veneration of his touch, arching her back as he covered her mouth in a passionate kiss.

She parted her lips, welcoming him in, and his tongue began its game. Warm and soft, it slid over hers, twisting and turning as it played. Just when she managed to match his rhythm, he would withdraw to launch an attack on her lips, sucking the bottom and then slowly gliding around the top.

His hand moved to cup her left breast, his thumb circling her nipple until it pebbled and hardened from his touch. Taking his time, he pinched and rolled it, smiling against her neck as her soft pants turned to gasps.

Shifting his weight, his lips gave equal attention to her other breast. Grazing her nipple with his teeth, he would then lightly flick it with his tongue leaving Joss writhing beneath him.

Paul's hand skimmed down her center and into her curls. She slammed her eyes closed and her head lolled to the side as he slid his fingers down through her slippery folds. He stopped momentarily to lightly tease her clit and then slipped a finger inside, curling it just right to hit her sweet spot. He pulled it out and slid in two, stroking her slowly and then withdrawing them to circle her clit again. Over and over he repeated his ministrations until he brought Joss trembling to the edge.

Reaching down she wrapped her hand around his cock. Fully erect and slick with pre-cum, he moaned as she ran her hand up and down with increasing pressure, trailing her thumb over his bulging veins.

"I need you inside me now."

She quickly leaned to the side and pulled a condom from her side table. Paul rolled it on and spread her thighs wider,positioning himself at her entrance before slowly plunging inside.

Curses flew from Joss's lips as he filled her tight, stretching her out, and she lifted her hips off the bed to meet each of his thrusts. Faster and faster he pumped into her, both of them frantic for release.

She dug her nails into his shoulders as the orgasm rocked her body, the tremors continuing as Paul stiffened and cried out her name.

He withdrew from her and rolled next to her, panting heavily as he pulled her close.

She curled into his side, her leg thrown over his, and lightly ran her nails up and down his arm. It was only a matter of minutes before Paul's panting turned to the soft sounds of slumber against her forehead.

Joss was sated and physically content but her heart was anything but calm. As she came crashing down from her high, her eyes scanned the dimly lit room and all she could do was think of John.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N** Not beta'd. Any errors and messes are mine.

* * *

"I can't believe that in over fifteen years this place still hasn't changed a bit. Same ugly yellow curtains hanging on the windows, Angela's still working the bar and Mario is still serving up the best Italian food in the city."

Paul chuckled as he dove back into his meal. Savoring his Frutti di Mare, he kept his eyes fixed on Joss whose own eyes remained fixated on her untouched plate of food.

She sat next to him in silence, lost deep in her thoughts, just as she had been for the last two hours in the bleachers of Taylor's basketball game.

Physically she was only a foot away from him but her mind and heart were nowhere near the tiny restaurant in Bayridge.

Eight weeks had passed since the day she decided to take Paul up on his offer to rekindle their relationship. She had been sincere in wanting to give it another try. He had been her high school sweetheart, Taylor's father, the man she'd envisioned growing old with, and watching their marriage unravel had broken her heart and hardened her.

The Paul that now sat next to her was the man she had longed for twelve years earlier. If she ticked off all the boxes he was perfect in every way that mattered and above all he loved and adored her. She knew there were women who would give anything to have a man like Paul in their lives and she should just relax and enjoy the ride.

But it wasn't enough.

He wasn't enough.

He wasn't John.

Part of Joss still hated him. Hated him for how easily he had broken her heart on a whim. Hated him for taking her trust and discarding it without a care. Hated him for assuming he knew her better than she knew herself. Hated him for turning her world upside down once again.

But a bigger part of her missed him. She missed their random conversations and the way his eyes lit up when he'd bait her with a smart-ass remark. She missed the safety and security his presence always brought. She missed the overwhelming love she felt when he held her in his arms. She missed working with him, side by side as equals, and the mutual respect and understanding they shared.

He was the epitome of contrasts. A complex mix of hard and soft, rough and gentle, a strong impenetrable surface with a loving, sensitive core. She missed peeling away the layers and the surprises each one revealed. He had kept her on her toes and always left her guessing.

There was no doubt in her mind that she loved Paul but there was also no doubt of who she'd be sitting next to if the decision had been completely left to her.

Joss began to move the food around her plate, oblivious to Paul's attempt at a conversation. Stabbing at the pile of spaghetti, she twisted and turned her fork as she stared at it intently.

"Something wrong with your food, Joss?"

He repeated her name again and touched her arm, startling her back into the present.

"Sorry?"

"Your food. You've been staring at it for fifteen minutes."

"I um guess I'm not that hungry after all."

Paul eyed her suspiciously but simply nodded.

"Do you remember the first time we came here? You were pregnant with Taylor and after inhaling a huge plate of chicken parmesan you ate two big bowls of gelato."

Joss laughed, her bright smile not making its way up to her eyes.

"I forgot about that. It was a long time ago. It feels like two lifetimes have passed since then."

Paul took a sip of his wine and then pulled her hand into his, trailing his thumb over her palm.

"So, are you gonna tell me what's wrong? You've been quiet and distant lately. There's obviously something on your mind."

"I'm all good. I swear. It was a long week at work and I've still got a lot of things to catch up on."

Joss's cell phone buzzed and she pulled it from her pocket to check the caller id.

 _John_.

She hesitated for a split second before quickly standing up and excusing herself.

"Sorry, it's work. I've gotta take this."

She hurried outside to the sidewalk and hit talk right before it would have gone to voicemail.

"Carter."

"Joss, I was about to hang up. Is this a bad time?"

The sound of his voice, the soft familiar tone, was calming to her ears. Like a child's lullaby it soothed her and transported her to a haven warm and safe. She ducked into the storefront next door and pressed her forehead against the glass window.

"No, it's fine. Is everything okay, John?"

"It's been so long since we talked. I needed to hear your voice."

It was then that she noticed the slur of his words and could make out the distinct sounds of a bar in the background. She figured he must have been there a while for him to have summoned the courage to call her.

"You should go home, John, and get some sleep. Call me in the morning when you're sober and we'll talk."

"I miss you so much, Joss. Can I see you? Please? I need you."

She could hear the desperation and desire in his voice as he pleaded with her. Her emotions were already crushing her, threatening to bring her to her knees, and it took all her willpower not to cave in to him. Tears began to burn her eyes as she watched her reflection in the glass. It was becoming harder each day to identify with the woman who looked back. As she listened to John's voice become more urgent, she thought of Paul sitting at the table waiting for her. A gush of guilty tears spilled down her cheeks, and she turned, needing to see anything, anyone but herself.

"I can't do this, John. It's not fair."

Turning off her phone, she wiped her wet cheeks with her sleeve and did her best to fix her eye make-up. She opened the door to the restaurant with a trembling hand and sat back down next to Paul.

"Baby, what's wrong? What happened?"

"I'm fine, Paul. It's just this case I've been working on. It's been really intense and I made the mistake of letting it get to me. I'm okay."

* * *

Joss cursed Fusco under her breath as she entered Madison Square Park. Clutching her cashmere scarf snug around her neck, she braced herself against the bitter cold wind and headed down the winding path towards the dog run. Lionel was supposed to deliver a file to Finch but, needing to pick up Lee from school, had persuaded a less than enthusiastic Joss to run the errand instead. It had cost him an earful and a pile of paperwork from her desk.

She weaved her way through the crowds of evening commuters, faceless blurs bundled up in dark coats, all scurrying on their way to someplace warm. She soon spotted the smartly dressed older man with the wool fedora and glasses sitting on a bench near the fence. Holding Bear's leash, he watched as the Malinois ran circles around two small spaniels in the dog park. Joss slid down next to him and smiled as the former attack dog gently urged his new friends to join in the game.

"Thank you for meeting me, Detective. I especially appreciate you coming out in this brutal weather."

"No problem, Finch. Who doesn't love sitting in a park when it's thirty degrees outside. Although, Bear is certainly having a good time over there."

"Yes, he very much enjoys socializing with the other dogs. You know, we've come a long way from the day Mr. Reese left him at the library with me and I found him chewing on my first edition _1984_. Over time he went from being nothing but a pesky menace to a trusted and reliable friend of sorts. He's one of the most loyal creatures I've ever met, man or otherwise. He'd put his own life ahead of another's without hesitation. There aren't many people in this world who would act so selflessly."

Joss's eyebrows began to raise as the corner of her mouth curled up in an amused sneer. She had left work knowing fully well that she probably wouldn't leave this meeting with Finch unscathed. She settled back against the bench and readied herself for his foreseeable sermon.

"Are you sure we're talking about Bear, Harold?

"I'm not normally this forward nor do I involve myself in other people's personal lives. Mr. Reese is a good friend and I do truly hope that you know I consider you one also. There is no doubt in my mind that he loves you, Detective. I think he's so unaccustomed to those feelings that he gets overwhelmed at times. Too many people whom he cared for have been hurt directly or indirectly because of him and I think he believes that he finally had the opportunity to make something right for once. He loves you so much that he's willing to walk away from you no matter how much it pains him. Your happiness trumps his own."

Joss threw her head back and snickered at the absurdity of it all. Laughter was the only defense she had left to fight the ugly meltdown she felt swelling within. It was a bubbling caldron of swirling emotions that had been threatening to erupt at any moment during the last few weeks. She was amazed at her ability to both love and hate someone at the same time, feel sympathetic towards them but abhor their callousness.

"I can't believe you're defending what he did, Finch. Everything was perfect before he decided to be a complete pompous ass. I don't need anyone telling me what's best for me. I'm completely capable of deciding that on my own. He didn't even have the decency to tell me to my face. He just disappeared like a coward. I've never been so hurt and angry in my life. Excuse me if I don't feel sorry for him one bit."

Joss pulled her leg underneath her and turned to look at Harold, his face a picture of worry and remorse. She knew he was only speaking out of concern and regretted her harsh response. Inhaling a deep breath of the cold air, she chose her words carefully.

"I understand what John has been through and I know how hard it is for him to open up, let alone give his heart to someone. I just never realized how deep rooted his guilt and self-loathing runs. I've tried repeatedly to get through to him and I'm tired, Harold. Even if I could somehow knock some sense into him, I don't know if I'd even be willing to trust him again. He needs to learn to love himself before he can love someone else."

"I know he's hurt you, Joss, and I am absolutely not defending how he acted but I don't believe for a second that you no longer care. At the bare minimum he needs you in his life as a friend. His mother has taken a turn for the worse this week. He refuses to discuss the issue and has returned to his old habit of drinking away the pain. He needs you even if he won't admit it. You're the only one who has ever been able to bring him any comfort and rein him in."

Joss turned her attention back to Bear who was now watching in delight as two squirrels leaped from one tree limb to another. She contemplated what Finch had said. _He needs your help_. But how do you help someone who won't help themselves? And after everything that happened why should she even bother?

Because she still loved him, she answered herself. It was as simple as that.

"I apologize, I didn't ask how Mr. Carter is doing."

Joss squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head with a groan, the only time she'd expressed to anyone that something might be amiss between them.

"It's complicated, Finch. It's complicated."

Shortly later, she watched Finch and Bear exit the park and disappear out of sight. The temperature had dropped even more as dusk arrived yet she remained rooted to the park bench, not quite ready to head home and continue the happy charade with Paul.

Her mind was a whirlwind, spinning through time and space, far away from the frigid park in midtown Manhattan. People and places, experiences both old and new, played in her head like a film.

It was a silent movie. There was no laughter behind the smiles or angry words spilling from distorted mouths. Just flashes of images. Some had been permanently etched in her mind and others long forgotten.

There were milestone celebrations: her wedding, Taylor's birth, her promotion to detective and the day Alonzo Quinn was sentenced to life without parole.

There were events she'd prefer to erase from her memory, eyes that would forever haunt her: Yusuf's desperation, Paul's hopelessness, John's forgiveness and Tierney's ruthlessness.

There were random happenings that had no great significance at the time but which she now savored: a late night stakeout with John where they realized their shared love of Motown, a lazy day at the beach with Taylor where he talked her ear off about a new girl he'd met at school, and apartment hunting with Paul as she prepared to graduate from John Jay and start their new life together.

She weeded through her mind for the answer, knowing it had to be in there somewhere hiding in plain sight. The answer to the same pressing question that continued to haunt and torment her day and night. The question she'd been obsessing over for almost two months.

If John hadn't pushed her away would she still want to be with Paul?

* * *

Joss's eyes flew open at the sound of her cell phone buzzing on the nightstand next to her. She squinted her eyes to read the caller ID.

 _Fusco_.

"It's two thirty in the morning" she yawned into the phone.

"I figured you'd be pissed off if I didn't tell you as soon as I found out. It's Wonderboy. A couple of guys roughed him up pretty good. Let's just say he wasn't exactly on the top of his game tonight. Booze will do that to you. Shaw took him back to his loft to patch him up but I thought you'd want to know."

"Thanks Lionel."

Joss rubbed her bleary eyes and sighed. Flipping back the comforter and blanket she stood up and began searching around the darkened room for her clothes.

"Everything okay, baby?"

Paul's voice cutting through the silence made her jump with guilt.

"Um yeah. Everything's fine but I need to meet Fusco. New case."

"Can't that wait until the morning?"

"No, I have to meet with him now. It can't wait. I'll call you later."

She quickly pulled on a pair of jeans and a long sleeved t-shirt and searched the back of her nightstand drawer, eventually finding the spare key to John's loft. She rushed out the bedroom before Paul could ask anymore questions and raced down the stairs. Slipping on her boots by the front door, she grabbed her purse and jacket and headed to her car.

At that time of the night there was no one on the road and she reached his block in less than twenty minutes. Stepping off the elevator on the fifth floor, Joss nearly collided with Shaw.

"Perfect timing Carter. You can do the honors and give him a sponge bath. Trust me, he needs one bad. There wasn't enough liquor in there to get me that intimate with Reese. I gave him an IV and he's all sobered up for you."

Shaw's look of disgust turned to a grin and she cackled, pushing her way past Joss and onto the elevator, clearly happy at being relieved of her duties.

"I'll warn you, he's a grumpy patient. See ya Carter."

Joss rolled her eyes in disbelief and walked down the hall to John's door. Grasping his key in her hand, she turned the door knob and pushed it open, remembering the last time she had been there.

Her breath hitched as she recalled all the happiness the walls of the loft had once contained. The evenings John would cook her dinner as she sat at the kitchen island recounting her day with a glass of wine. The nights they would stay up and binge watch _A Different World_ , snuggled under a blanket on the couch with popcorn. The late nights spent bringing each other to blissful ecstasy in that huge king sized bed in the corner.

She pushed the thoughts from her mind and focused on the task at hand. Hearing the faint sound of snoring she soon located John stretched out on his brown leather couch. He was shirtless and a thick blanket was pulled up to his waist.

She walked over to him and knelt down, running her fingers through his hair and noting the increase of silver at his temples. Without thinking, she pressed a soft kiss to his forehead and gently caressed his cheek. He reeked of liquor and she immediately saw the results it had undoubtedly caused. A large welt on his cheekbone was nothing compared to the swollen black and blues covering his ribs and arms.

He looked so peaceful and relaxed, his face soft and boyish as he hugged the throw pillow. So much had happened between them in the last three months yet it seemed like yesterday that she was climbing into bed next to him and falling asleep in his arms without a care in the world. Lately it felt like the weight of the world was resting on her shoulders, threatening to tear her down.

She froze for a second as his eyes began to flutter open.

"Hey."

"Hey you. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up."

"It's okay. You didn't. I figured if I feigned sleep maybe Shaw would leave."

"Yeah, I guess she doesn't exactly have the best bedside manners."

John sat up on the couch and immediately winced, reaching for his side.

"Someone sure did a number on you, John. What happened?"

"Guess I wasn't on top of my game tonight. It happens."

"Sure there wasn't something distracting you maybe? Someone on your mind?"

"Can't be perfect all the time Carter. Everyone has an off day."

Joss nodded and walked into the kitchen, opening the freezer. She filled a ziplock bag with ice and wrapped it in a towel. Sitting down next to him, she held it against the large lump on his temple.

Her frustration was growing as he continued to evade her questions. Refusing to play his game, she vowed to give him five minutes and no more.

"Why are you here, Joss? Does Paul know?"

"Fuck you, John. Don't you dare say his name. I came by to make sure you're okay but I can see that you're just fine."

She stood up and grabbed her jacket and handbag to leave.

"John, I really wish you'd let me in, let me help you. If you can't do that then I'd really appreciate it if you'd stay away from me. No phone calls. No texts. I'm done."

She pulled her jacket on and turned to leave.

"Wait, Carter, I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

His voice turned to a whisper and something told her that he was apologizing for more than those few words about Paul.

"I know you are, John, but it's not enough."

Her eyes scanned the room awkwardly, not knowing what to say next.

"I should go. You need your rest."

John shifted on the couch to face Joss but avoided her eyes, staring instead at her feet.

"She has pancreatic cancer and they gave her two months at best. It's so far advanced that they've decided to forgo treatment. I thought the Alzheimers was bad but this..."

Joss removed her jacket and dropped it on the chair. She sat down on the couch and pulled John gently against her. Wrapping her arms around his shoulders, she tucked his head under her chin and caressed his back. She felt the heaving of his chest, the slight shake of his shoulders and wet drops on her top. She didn't say a word, giving him time to finally release all the pain he had bottled up inside.

Eventually he stilled and leaned back, pulling Joss into the crook of his arm. He slowly caressed her cheek, the feeling she had long yearned for so intimate and loving. He ran his fingers down her arm and entwined them with hers. She curled her legs up next to him and melted into him, closing her eyes and savoring the moment knowing it would be short lived.

"Why, Joss? After everything I did why are you here?"

"Because you need me, John. And I need you too. We need each other."

* * *

 **A/N** In the next chapter Joss will need to make some huge decisions in her life and we'll see John take a trip down memory lane. Thanks for reading!


End file.
